“BLESSED WITH A CURSE”

I feel restless…I feel enthusiastic.. I feel lazy… I feel energetic…

I feel emotionally down.. I feel charged up… All at the same time..

The way I see things.. I am sure nobody will even care to notice such subtleness.. Such intricate feelings are better put to rest in normal human beings.. U know what… It sometimes feel lifeless to think soo deeply, to feel so much… But at the same time, its only the feelings which make me feel alive.. Amid all the chaos, I choose to listen to my feelings..

Being emotional is a curse but at the same time its a blessing..

A curse because it makes you feel soo helpless at times. You just keep wondering why and what are you thinking about the whole day? Why do you feel other’s pain as much as they feel for themselves? Why do you get emotional within seconds? Why can’t people think like you? Why doesn’t everybody has a heart of gold like you do?

A blessing because you become a good person at heart.. You would never hurt anybody knowingly.. You would feel people’s pain and be there for them in times of need.. Unknowingly, u light up people’s lives.. You cry because its real ..Its YOU..

Sometimes I feel that it is better to keep your mouth shut than to voice your opinions and heart-felt feelings to people… Someway, by sharing and letting people know you gives them a power over yourself.. And some other way, by just keeping them to you transfers that power all over to YOU!! But then, emotions thrive in vulnerability. Its all inter connected. Some say, you can never feel full at heart unless you share and feel nurtured. In order to feel emotionally charged up, you ought to share yourself with people around you, with persons whom you trust, with humans whom you believe would understand you and support you no matter what!

Nature has a funny way of making you learn your lessons… Sooner or later YOU will have to learn them… But some stubborns like myself would always unknowingly choose the harsh path to change… Rather I would say they change when they are out of options..

Like in my case for example, I was always the one with a burning fire within… The fire which had the capacity to consume what all comes its way!! I would never control my mouth, my feelings.. Its just that I wasn’t able to pretend something which I wasn’t… My heart was clear to the comparison of the waters of Himalayas..Okay, may be it was a hyperbole...but my idea is conveyed to you!!

It’s obviously hard to keep quiet for me.. Or for any person who believes herself to be RIGHT..!! Sure, some emotions, some guilt, some anger, some humanness makes me look mad at times… But isn’t is so humane and so very natural to make mistakes? To sound rude at times? To have my moments of weakness? Especially when I have nothing more to do at this point of time rather than thinking my own thoughts?

Life is uncertain, as they say.. It surely is… But do we need to let go of all our hopes too? Those hopes which are our dreams? Which makes us feel alive… Which has the capability to give us goose bumps just while thinking or voicing them to somebody.. Which don’t let us sleep at night.. Which are the only primary reason of living..

These times of lockdowns and staying away from family & friends has taken a mental toll on all of our lives. For some unfortunate hand to mouth laborers, it is even more hard time for survival without the very basic necessities of living. Some of us are rather lucky enough to have roofs on our head, food in our mouth and clothing on our bodies…however, these continuous staying homes has impacted us too.. draining us emotionally and mentally. In my case, I get tears in my eyes more often in this lockdown than at any other point in my life.. Its hard to keep calm and carry on with life. Even when I see someone begging, my heart melts and tears pour out of my eyes. Whenever I see someone crying, my mind wanders and searches for their story looking at their face, their eyes, their trembling lips and I begin crying. It has been so difficult for me to even watch a movie or any series just because I find one thing or the other to cry! It is especially hard when you feel soo much in your heart doubled with another curse (blessing) of over thinking.

Over-thinking in itself is a full-time job! Whenever my mind feels some alone time, it begins thinking, thinking & thinking a hell lot.. My mind replays every feeling, every emotion, every pang of guilt, anger, worry or even gratitude which I felt while dealing with my day! It’s like I am re-living the whole day..my whole life again through my mind.. It is especially difficult when those moments of weakness & utter helplessness plays on a repeat mode on my mind, which is the case most often with us humans.. because by default, our mind is wired to take more notice of bad things as compared to the goodness!!

Nevertheless, having said all this.. I am not totally unhappy regarding my over-emotional self as well as my over-thinking self!! I really consider it a curse with a silver lining attached or an ointment with a fly!!